LoNaH4LyF's Xanga

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 04:07:41 GMT

07.07.2008 // 07:55 PM
Currently // Sitting, Thinking
Feeling // Nostalgic, Wishy-washy, Lost, Tired

What is it that makes us all work so very hard to reach the light at the other end of the tunnel? Why does the vast, endless ocean insist upon ebbing and flowing? How exactly can we have faith in a better tomorrow, after being beaten severely by any, and everything that you can possibly think of? Will I still be here, tomorrow, fighting this battle that I'm destined to lose?

Lately, no matter how I try to look at things, it seems I've become trapped in a seemingly endless tunnel. I walk forward, and the walls slowly crawl behind me. They show I'm making progress through the cold, dark corridor, toward that almost invisible flickering light at the other side. I stop, and no matter how quickly I walk, or how much time I spend walking, I look around to find that I'm exactly where I started.

I lose hope as the sight of my future continues to fade. I continue to falter as this weight, that I've carried for as long as I can remember, multiplies. I feel as though there's no reason to continue trying to make my way to the end of this path. The light teases me as it flickers, so far in the distance. The current pushes against my feet as I struggle to push forward. Does this light even exist?

Where am I supposed to go? Will I ever reach the end? Why do I continue to push on through? I wonder...

Someday, none of it will have mattered. All of this will have been in vain. And yet, despite knowing this, I continue to struggle...

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Wed, 28 May 2008 08:50:31 GMT

05.28.2007 // 1:36 A.M.
Currently // Sitting
Feeling // Tired, Nostalgic, Lonely, Depressed
Bumping // Flyleaf - All Around Me

Wow.. it's been so long since I've even logged on, hasn't it? I suppose I just haven't had the time to vent. Life's been...well...

Although the scenario has changed, life remains the same. With the passing of each day, I find myself running out of breath. The weight on my shoulders has increased tremendously. I continue to crumble under all the pressure. I still seek some sort of relief, with every passing moment. I want to escape. To become free of this overwhelming burden.

It doesn't stop. Until it's finally taken completely over me, it won't stop. With each breath I take, every thought that crosses my mind, my resolve weakens. I lose myself, little by little. Motivation, dreams, drive... I wonder if there's even anything left.

That gaping void slowly grows, as whatever little is left of me continues to crumble. I lose sight of that something better awaiting on the other side. Slowly I lose faith, and stop feeling. I break.

Even then, I still want someone to come along and convince me, that someday, I'll be free of this burden. That I'll get to live some of that life I've never had the chance to live. To simply find that happiness, that I've never known.

Isolation ...The World Continues to Crumble

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 21:45:40 GMT

01.09.2008 // 2:12 P.M.
Feeling // Angry. Tired.

When the blame for all that's wrong in life is placed upon you, and you alone... How do you react? Do you bite your tongue, dying slowly in silence? Do you seek comfort in a familiar exchange of words? Or do you lash out, causing whoever's around you to suffer? ...Where do you turn when you have nowhere left to go?

It's been years since I've taken the time out to take a look at my reality. It still crumbles away, faster than ever. The skies are never clear. The light never breaks through to the surface, no matter how hard it tries. It rains and rains, never stopping.

In the past month, I've been pushed further and further onto the edge.

My parents, though divorced and living completely seperate lives, still argue. I'm caught in the middle of the crossfire. A war that'll never end. [7:53p] I'm trapped. No matter where I step, a mine awaits. Even the slightest move, and I'm blown to pieces.

Life itself is still an uphill cilmb. A never-ending fight. Hesitate and risk slipping. Slip and lose everything.

Lately, it seems as if there's no "right" thing to do. I work to scrape enough breadcrumbs together to help my mom out with the siblings. I've even gone as far as giving up on my own dream; the 350z, to buy a brand new '08 Civic for them, within a week of the old '88 Corolla's transmission giving out. I spend hundreds buying things for my brother, to give him that luxury in life that I never had. I give up all this time from what can be my life, for their sakes, and still, nothing seems to be enough.

No matter what I do, where I turn, try to change things, how much weight I carry on my shoulders, or even where I stand, nothing's good enough. I'm always to blame for all that's wrong. I'm always to be treated like a doormat. Will it ever change?

Reality

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 05:21:42 GMT

01.02.2008 :: 8:30 P.M.
Feeling :: Depressed

What is truth? What separates fact from fiction? Where do we draw the line between the reality that is, and “reality,” the way we want it to be?

Lately, it just seems as if the term “absolute” no longer exists. We all seek answers. The truth. But if the truth isn't what we want it to be, we reject it, no matter where the truth lies. It's as though... we are blind to our imperfections. We fail to see our faults, our flaws, and our delusions. So where does this leave us?

Will we always repress our insecurities? ...Or will we one day learn to face them?

Licensed to...

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 04:44:20 GMT

12.28.2007 // 9:40PM

Passed my behind the wheel test today. First try.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Thu, 18 Oct 2007 07:53:58 GMT

"That's one manly laptop!" (Checks the laptop out, and rephrases himself)
"For $2000[+], it'd better be."

:]

When the little things bother...

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 05:51:28 GMT

08.01.2007 // 11:14 PM
Currently // Annoyed

Ever wake up feeling like shit, in virtually all aspects? The day just goes on and on, and you notice alot of little things that normally don't even phase you simply annoy you the most?

First, it was getting ready for work. I go through my normal routine. Get waken up, go back to sleep, repeat a few times. Get up, brush my teeth, shower, be ready to be out the door with a 15-20 minute cushion of time before I have to get there, since my mom drives slowly. This morning, both, my sister and mom kept lollygagging while I hauled ass to get out the door for oversleeping. We get out the door to the car, and they still continue to stall for time. We eventually get through traffic and arrive in Montclair. I get to work, and I make it by a hair. If it took my mom a milisecond longer to drive up to Grinders, I'd have been late. That means I'd have had to do all the dishes, do my usual job, and have no share of the tips, even though it wasn't my fault.

Work progressed extremely slowly. The seconds felt like days, and the hours like years. We got both "produce" deliveries, there was a light to moderate amount of prep work to be done, and both coworkers weren't the most ideal to be stuck prepping with. As usual, work was insignificant and unmemorable... so we'll skip to the end of that.

Jason comes to pick me up (if you're reading this, I appreciate it, in case I haven't said it enough times). He was a little late, but it worked out, as I had extra work to do, as usual. He then drove by his place, to smoke a few cigarettes and to wait out traffic. Afterwards, he drives up to Montclair to wait around for Sunny. Finally meets up with him, and then goes to Walmart. While at Walmart, I noticed there were shit-tons of people, and shit-tons of little punks ("ghetto fools" as some of my coworkers would say) sitting around in the parking lot. Jason takes several laps around the car maintenance/accessory section, and picks a couple of things up. We leave for Jamba Juice. Darling and Mylan were working, so we said hi, etc.

By this time, it's 7ish, or so? Jason, as usual, demands that I think of something to do, and I suggest heading to Best Buy, so I can replace that Bluetooth headset I lost ages ago, but he shrugged it off. He drives to Ali's store to "swang it one time." Afterwards, we head over to Danny's, to see how he was doing with his steering wheel.

Jason gets bored, and tells me to think of something to do, again. At this point, it's roughly 8:30. I suggest Best Buy again, and he takes a few minutes to decide on it, then says okay, lets go. Instead, we went to a Chevron in Alameda (the one across the street from the Toyota dealership). He pumped his tires, though it took a while. At about 8:50, he finishes up and leaves. He then headed to Union City. Guess where we ended up? That's right. Walmart again.

When we got there, there was, once again, a sea of people. He goes to grab two cans of engine degreaser, but decides waiting in line will take too long, so we leave and head to TapEx. We get there at roughly 9:10, if I'm not mistaken, and he drives through the lot, saying he didn't want to go in because he thought it'd be packed full of people, judging on the amount of cars outside. Circles around the block a few times, and then goes back. While heading back, I say, "You got me, right?" (somewhat jokingly). He thinks, counts his small bills, then throws $9 at me, and says something along the lines of, "This should be enough for both of us. Get me Combo A." I reply, "Order yourself." This goes on for... quite a while. At about 9:45 or so, he stops the car in a space nearby TapEx itself, and sure enough, it starts again. In essence, he turned off the car, and I sat there, telling him to get off his ass and order himself for a bit. Then he reclines and tries to sleep. I sit there, at this point, REALY pissed off, because of the amount of time he's wasted. He decides to up and leave at roughly 10:15. Neither of us got anything from there.

After that, it's back to Walmart, to grab his cans of degreaser. After that, he dropped me off. Got home at roughly 11.

At any rate, that was my day. At this point, I'm really tired of the time crawling the way it is, and with my family all nagging at me, so I'm heading to sleep. Maybe I'll wake up feeling a bit better. Maybe I won't. Whatever.

Memorable ..huh?

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 02:32:56 GMT

07.25.2007 // 8:04 PM
Currently // Sitting
Feeling // Bored

If life is supposed to be memorable and full of joy, why do I forget everything? I don't know what's been memorable, or why I push everything away, but I do. Should I be worried? I don't really know how to answer, when people ask about my life. I envy those who can remember with crystal clarity. But to be honest, I envy those who can look back and relive those moments where they were just swept off their feet, into a more "perfect" world. ((Sighs)) ...I wonder if I'll ever find those moments.

It's difficult to continue crawling by, through the seemingly endless days. Although I have no diploma, little money, a stable job, and people I can call "friends," I find myself in a rut. Although time goes by, with its slight variances, in my mind, it's "Groundhog Day." A seemingly endless cycle, of the same day...again, and again.

Until I finally break out of this cycle, all I seem to be able to do is to simply continue feigning ignorance, and taking things one step at a time. But even then, at this rate, my dreams will be nothing but a spec on the horizon.

Fool

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 04:12:03 GMT

04.10.2007 // 10:05 PM
Currently // Sitting
Feeling // Empty

If all that were false fell into oblivion... would I still find you here, waiting to save me? Would I still see you, with that same light you always seemed to have brought with you, wherever you went? ...Will your smile still give my world life, even through the constant storms?

...I'm such a fool. Useless...no?

Fractured Thoughts // Words of a Fool

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 16:03:09 GMT

04.08.2007 // 9:24 AM
Currently // Sitting
Feeling // Tired, bored, reflective, depressed...

I often find myself sitting here, in almost complete darkness. The door's shut and locked, and the only light that even comes remotely close to filling the room would be the dim light from the monitor. I'd be that way for hours and hours, and not even know it...as though the world itself had stopped revolving, just for those moments.

"Why am I still here waiting?" "What's the point of waiting for uncertainty?" "...Am I really that caught up?" "...Will ever find I haven't been waiting in vain?" -- All questions I continuously ask myself. I guess I can't always rely on myself to carry the weight of my world; but it's all I always have had, and still all that I've got.

I don't understand, sometimes, why the people on this world are so superficial. They're born into an infinite loop, like worker ants, and whine about it constantly, but they never do anything to change it. They just continue to spend their days in that endless cycle, as if they were doing something to create change; when really, all they seem to do is wait for that change to come to them.

They create all these labels for each other, and for themselves. They judge and criticize each other, based on the impression they get from what's on the surface. Once the image is created, that's how you'll see someone for the rest of your life. Few realize and change their views on others, and some just don't care. Because of that criticism, others are ridiculed, hurt, and over time, seek vengeance.

People seem to be incapable of accepting different philosophies than the ones that they've accepted as their own. As long as you live within the boundaries that society has set, you won't have to face everything by yourself. You won't have to fight as hard. Hell, if that's the way you choose to live, then you get nothing but support from others from the moment you're born.

However... if you choose to pursue your dreams your own way, or to figure life out while in the moments -- having no preemptive "direction" in life, or even losing your way; you'll become one of the people who society fear, because of the uncertainty you carry with you.

If your goal in life is to pursue happiness, in boundaries set outside of the ones that society has created for you, you'll only find pain... Because when those who live within the "norm" of society will always look down on you... Because you'll lose everything; again, and again. And ultimately, you'll find yourself much deeper in pain and regret than you've ever been before you began your pursuit of happiness, your way.