Boredom

Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic..

Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun.

Extraversion results were very low which suggests you are extremely reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.


trait snapshot:
secretive, organized, clean, rarely worries, solitary, high self control, dislikes large parties, prefers organized to unpredictable, prudent, observer, tough, self reliant,

very good at saving money, introverted, perfectionist, mind over heart, not controlling of others, hard working, confident, resolute, solitary, does not make friends easily, finisher,

does not like to stand out, very practical, intellectual, unsympathetic at times, honest, respects authority, follows the rules, cautious

It's been forever since I've touched this thing... But I guess times like this are what this is here for.

At the moment, I don't really have anyone to talk to. Just endless thoughts, swarming around in my head. I thought I was past that phase, where every time I take a step forward, something causes me to hesitate, and I end up taking two back.

It's like... No matter how I go about moving forward, forward just keeps slipping further, and further away. Am I doomed to this repetition endlessly? Or is there something better, waiting for me on the other side? How do I cope with the exhaustion? Fatigue? Uncertainty? Regret? Every time I get pushed back, everything feels heavier, harder to hold.

The emotions become overwhelming. And eventually, I break down, just like this.

I begin to question everything. People. The past. The present. The future. You. Me. Everything. As I look for answers that aren't there, I start to lose myself. Apathy takes over. I lose interest, uncontrollably. Movies start to seem long and pointless. TV series become easily predictable and stale. People start to become a hassle.  My usual passtimes become uninteresting. It's as though I've been drained of whatever little bit of "life" I have left in me, and then some.

Maybe I'll listen to some music. Get my mind off of things. Instead, the thoughts go berserk. Every beat amplifies the feeling of despair. The pain grows deeper, and deeper. Soon, there's nothing left. Just an emptiness that cannot be filled.

I lie down and close my eyes, in preparation for the next day. The emptiness remains, and the thoughts echo. Noone's there to listen, question, nor respond.

The next day comes, and I act as though nothing had happened. Nothing had happened, at all.

07.07.2008 // 07:55 PM
Currently // Sitting, Thinking
Feeling // Nostalgic, Wishy-washy, Lost, Tired

What is it that makes us all work so very hard to reach the light at the other end of the tunnel? Why does the vast, endless ocean insist upon ebbing and flowing? How exactly can we have faith in a better tomorrow, after being beaten severely by any, and everything that you can possibly think of? Will I still be here, tomorrow, fighting this battle that I'm destined to lose?

Lately, no matter how I try to look at things, it seems I've become trapped in a seemingly endless tunnel. I walk forward, and the walls slowly crawl behind me. They show I'm making progress through the cold, dark corridor, toward that almost invisible flickering light at the other side. I stop, and no matter how quickly I walk, or how much time I spend walking, I look around to find that I'm exactly where I started.

I lose hope as the sight of my future continues to fade. I continue to falter as this weight, that I've carried for as long as I can remember, multiplies. I feel as though there's no reason to continue trying to make my way to the end of this path. The light teases me as it flickers, so far in the distance. The current pushes against my feet as I struggle to push forward. Does this light even exist?

Where am I supposed to go? Will I ever reach the end? Why do I continue to push on through? I wonder...

Someday, none of it will have mattered. All of this will have been in vain. And yet, despite knowing this, I continue to struggle...

Isolation ...The World Continues to Crumble

01.09.2008 // 2:12 P.M.
Feeling // Angry. Tired.

When the blame for all that's wrong in life is placed upon you, and you alone... How do you react? Do you bite your tongue, dying slowly in silence? Do you seek comfort in a familiar exchange of words? Or do you lash out, causing whoever's around you to suffer? ...Where do you turn when you have nowhere left to go?

It's been years since I've taken the time out to take a look at my reality. It still crumbles away, faster than ever. The skies are never clear. The light never breaks through to the surface, no matter how hard it tries. It rains and rains, never stopping.

In the past month, I've been pushed further and further onto the edge.

My parents, though divorced and living completely seperate lives, still argue. I'm caught in the middle of the crossfire. A war that'll never end. [7:53p] I'm trapped. No matter where I step, a mine awaits. Even the slightest move, and I'm blown to pieces.

Life itself is still an uphill cilmb. A never-ending fight. Hesitate and risk slipping. Slip and lose everything.

Lately, it seems as if there's no "right" thing to do. I work to scrape enough breadcrumbs together to help my mom out with the siblings. I've even gone as far as giving up on my own dream; the 350z, to buy a brand new '08 Civic for them, within a week of the old '88 Corolla's transmission giving out. I spend hundreds buying things for my brother, to give him that luxury in life that I never had. I give up all this time from what can be my life, for their sakes, and still, nothing seems to be enough.

No matter what I do, where I turn, try to change things, how much weight I carry on my shoulders, or even where I stand, nothing's good enough. I'm always to blame for all that's wrong. I'm always to be treated like a doormat. Will it ever change?