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| 07.07.2008 // 07:55 PM
Currently // Sitting, Thinking
Feeling // Nostalgic, Wishy-washy, Lost, Tired What is it that makes us all work so very hard to reach the light at the other end of the tunnel? Why does the vast, endless ocean insist upon ebbing and flowing? How exactly can we have faith in a better tomorrow, after being beaten severely by any, and everything that you can possibly think of? Will I still be here, tomorrow, fighting this battle that I'm destined to lose? Lately, no matter how I try to look at things, it seems I've become trapped in a seemingly endless tunnel. I walk forward, and the walls slowly crawl behind me. They show I'm making progress through the cold, dark corridor, toward that almost invisible flickering light at the other side. I stop, and no matter how quickly I walk, or how much time I spend walking, I look around to find that I'm exactly where I started. I lose hope as the sight of my future continues to fade. I continue to falter as this weight, that I've carried for as long as I can remember, multiplies. I feel as though there's no reason to continue trying to make my way to the end of this path. The light teases me as it flickers, so far in the distance. The current pushes against my feet as I struggle to push forward. Does this light even exist? Where am I supposed to go? Will I ever reach the end? Why do I continue to push on through? I wonder... Someday, none of it will have mattered. All of this will have been in vain. And yet, despite knowing this, I continue to struggle... | | |
| 05.28.2007 // 1:36 A.M.
Currently // Sitting
Feeling // Tired, Nostalgic, Lonely, Depressed
Bumping // Flyleaf - All Around Me
Wow.. it's been so long since I've even logged on, hasn't it? I suppose I just haven't had the time to vent. Life's been...well...
Although the scenario has changed, life remains the same. With the passing of each day, I find myself running out of breath. The weight on my shoulders has increased tremendously. I continue to crumble under all the pressure. I still seek some sort of relief, with every passing moment. I want to escape. To become free of this overwhelming burden.
It doesn't stop. Until it's finally taken completely over me, it won't stop. With each breath I take, every thought that crosses my mind, my resolve weakens. I lose myself, little by little. Motivation, dreams, drive... I wonder if there's even anything left.
That gaping void slowly grows, as whatever little is left of me continues to crumble. I lose sight of that something better awaiting on the other side. Slowly I lose faith, and stop feeling. I break.
Even then, I still want someone to come along and convince me, that someday, I'll be free of this burden. That I'll get to live some of that life I've never had the chance to live. To simply find that happiness, that I've never known. | | |
| Isolation ...The World Continues to Crumble01.09.2008 // 2:12 P.M.
Feeling // Angry. Tired. When the blame for all that's wrong in life is placed upon you, and you alone... How do you react? Do you bite your tongue, dying slowly in silence? Do you seek comfort in a familiar exchange of words? Or do you lash out, causing whoever's around you to suffer? ...Where do you turn when you have nowhere left to go? It's been years since I've taken the time out to take a look at my reality. It still crumbles away, faster than ever. The skies are never clear. The light never breaks through to the surface, no matter how hard it tries. It rains and rains, never stopping. In the past month, I've been pushed further and further onto the edge. My parents, though divorced and living completely seperate lives, still argue. I'm caught in the middle of the crossfire. A war that'll never end. [7:53p] I'm trapped. No matter where I step, a mine awaits. Even the slightest move, and I'm blown to pieces. Life itself is still an uphill cilmb. A never-ending fight. Hesitate and risk slipping. Slip and lose everything. Lately, it seems as if there's no "right" thing to do. I work to scrape enough breadcrumbs together to help my mom out with the siblings. I've even gone as far as giving up on my own dream; the 350z, to buy a brand new '08 Civic for them, within a week of the old '88 Corolla's transmission giving out. I spend hundreds buying things for my brother, to give him that luxury in life that I never had. I give up all this time from what can be my life, for their sakes, and still, nothing seems to be enough. No matter what I do, where I turn, try to change things, how much weight I carry on my shoulders, or even where I stand, nothing's good enough. I'm always to blame for all that's wrong. I'm always to be treated like a doormat. Will it ever change? | | |
| Reality01.02.2008 :: 8:30 P.M.
Feeling :: Depressed What is truth? What separates fact from fiction? Where do we draw the line between the reality that is, and “reality,” the way we want it to be? Lately, it just seems as if the term “absolute” no longer exists. We all seek answers. The truth. But if the truth isn't what we want it to be, we reject it, no matter where the truth lies. It's as though... we are blind to our imperfections. We fail to see our faults, our flaws, and our delusions. So where does this leave us? Will we always repress our insecurities? ...Or will we one day learn to face them? | | |
| Licensed to...12.28.2007 // 9:40PM Passed my behind the wheel test today. First try. | | |
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